yes, dear child. you may speak freely here.
father, from my dad's pocket, I took a dime
The Lord appreciates your honesty, child. Go on.
to buy me a Tootsie Roll. ever had one, father? melts in your mouth, they do. a dime for some Tootsie Roll. a dime for my soul.
The Lord appreciates your honesty, child. Go on.
I peeked at my cousin Trudie. She's thirteen, but father, God knows he ain't right in making her look all of twenty.
never presume what the Lord thinks, child.
then for that, I'm to be forgiven too, Father. Trudie, she took a bath, see. I took a peek, a regular Peeping Tom I am. What i saw made me think dirty thoughts, yes, father, and these thoughts i acted upon them with the devil's hands.
God knows your heart is aggrieved, son. your body confuses and tempts you. you must be strong.
father, i acted on them thoughts twice.
then the Lord forgives you twice as well.
then i faked sick. me and momma had to go sell some rice cakes in the market,like we do every goddamn day, 'scuse me father for cursing. i hate them damn- silly cakes. Packed with rice and sweat and momma's tears and our daily grief.
Do not swear. And do not look ill on what the good Lord provides.
Yes, father. But they all i have in me, father. rice cakes in the morning, at noon and nighttime. and then, some more rice cakes in between. I swear ---
Don't.
Yes, father, i won't. I ---can tell you this much. My sweat and blood and innards must be all rice cakes. They are. So i faked sick.
What did you do with your time?
Well's, momma thought i was resting, and so i snuck out. Sun ain't barely up, Poppa's wasted on the floor again so i took the dime from his pocket and went to see if cousin Trudie wanted to swim in the river, which she didn't, on account she took a bath, and i did her wrong twice. So i went to Tommy's instead. Bugger-faced Tommy. Play catch, is what i thought.
and did you? Play catch?
NO's father. 'is the truth, i tell ya. me's and tommy crossed over to Old Maria's backyard, you know who she is, that deaf-blind-mad-woman witch.
The Lord forgives you for name-calling.
Thank you, Lord. So when we got to the woman-witch's place, we started throwing stones at the kitchen windows.
one that was big!
two ,missed but close!
three, yes! one in the center!
now Tommy's got a good hand. He started teasing me bout my bad 'un. Out of ten, I got two cracks. Whip! Crack! the glasses they broke. the pieces they shattered. the rocks they clunked inside.
we didn't notice it, father. But Old Maria went close to the windows and started shooing us like we were buncha crows. I took a big rock and aimed straight at her face. hit smack center in the forehead. down, she went, father. like a big log. Timber! I called, laughing. Timber! I shouted. I didn't know why, but i laughed. father, I laughed real hard.
didn't just hurt her see. went inside to check, there she was, sprawled on the floor. ees about to popo like the cap of a bottle of soda. her breasts, Tommy touched them, hard as rocks themselves. Tommy said no beat was in them breasts. No beat at all. Wouldn't have sinned with the devils' hands if you paid me, or God paid me, father. Them breasts long gone.
Father, I killed Old Maria. she's dead as a dead cow.
a rock for her body. a rock for her mad soul.
oh ---g---God. son, did you tell somebody? the police?
I AM telling, Father. I'm telling you. seeing as you're supposed to keep things silent and private here, aren't ya?
words between God and me? you'se and God? you'se and me?
Yes , son - but this ---we have to tell---
now, Tommy, crybaby he is, started bawling like a girl. I told him to shut up. no faggot friend of mine is gonna cry. and he is, faggot. Tommy. Once I saw him kissing that other boy that lives with his momma in the big blue house. Told him I wouldn't tell anybody if he did all i said. He wouldn't stop crying, tho'. So i took a wooden board, that board that Old Maria uses to beat clothes with, get the dirt out? So's I took it and i was only trying to scare him, father, but he wouldn't stop screaming and shouting and crying and so i didn't stop beating and pounding him like beef at the butcher's. He kept on crying, You'se killed her, shit! You'se killed ---
Boy, tell me. Aaaang then---? Where is Tommy?
I kept hitting him, father and it worked. it made him shut up two ways sunday. silence was a dusk's wait for light, not even a hummingbird hummed, i reckon. nor a twig breaking outside. Silence, there was.
See, i knew father. i knew. The Lord will understand. I listen to your sermons like i listen to nothing else.
You'se once said :
Strike down the screaming liars with them instruments of peace. Bring about silence and calm with your might and let those blinded to the Lord's mercy be brought to light.
your words rang in my head, father. I've always wondered what i'm here in this world for. not to sell those fucking tasteless rice cakes. now i know.
the lord made me more.
I am his instrument. HIs hand in this land that forsook him, among those who turned blind eyes and deaf ears to his saving grace.
The words of the Lord are mysterious, son . We cannot know that they truly mean, I 'm sorry ---but i have to---
But i felt those words, father!
as if hot air blown right into my lungs. now i must share it, bring judgment to those who need it. I ain't ever felt this way, father, like a hundred angels lifting me up.... better than holding my prick and whacking it dry.
I have a question, though, father.
y-y-y-yes?
why's God got to make it always damn messy? i have red all over my hands, father. see, i don't like red. I think i'm gonna have to learn how to carry out his will without so much of it.
and it smells, father.
oh yes, the blood.
damn bad, the smell.
SUNDAY CONFESSIONS.
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